Wednesday, October 29, 2003

CrimQuips 10/28/03

Massive Edition

Commentary by Barry Crimmins


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Don't you find the White House's new "I can't believe we have to revisit these issues about the war simply because we have been caught lying at every turn" campaign a bit difficult to swallow?

This war is about as defensible as Bush's FDA's challenge of Illinois' plan to supply seniors with cheaper prescription drugs from Canada.

The FDA implied that Canadian drugs might not be as safe as US prescriptions of the exact same products. Isn't this how the protection racket works? The thug shows up and says. "I would hate if something happened because of your unwise decision not to carry my product at my price."

Where's free trade when we need it?

I love how Paul Wolfowitz implied that the deadly and massive strike on the very hotel in which he, the man who dreamed up W's war long before 9/11, was staying, was a desperate act by a few "freedom-haters." Let's face it, Wolfowitz got the rebel version of a smart bomb down his smokestack.

Oh yeah, Paul, the ability to attack with impunity is the surest sign of a desperate enemy.

The good news is chickenhawk Wolfowitz has finally seen some action.

They wheeled a device armed with twenty missiles into a park across from the top visiting U.S. official's hotel, set the thing off, did major damage and we are supposed to believe it was a lucky shot by a few straggling Saddamites? Come on!

If the people of Baghdad really loved the alleged freedom that has been brought to them, do you suppose they'd have let anyone wheel up a jitney of death, kick start it and point it at the primary architect of their alleged liberation?

Wolfowitz, although shaken by the assault, was able to resume lying after only a very short interruption of disservice.

Wolfowitz wasn't physically harmed but he did lose two cowls and a pitchfork in the attack.

An American official hasn't been greeted so rudely since W spoke to the Australian legislature last week.

Kind of makes you wish you were represented by an Australian legislator, doesn't it?

The US can't spot a jitney of death under the Undersecretary of Defense's window but it's second-to none when it comes to guaranteeing the existence of fictional weapons of mass destruction.

Why not allow Wolfowitz to do something useful while he's at the quagmire he provoked? Let's issue him a helmet and a rifle and have him pull graveyard-shift guard duty half a click from the Al-Rashid. Then let the poor soldier he replaced "risk" sleeping in his suite.

"Who goes there?" -- "Straggling freedom haters!"

And unlike many US troops, Wolfowitz has the necessary connections to get himself a Kevlar vest.

In fact, they're still trying to get the stains out of the Kevlar briefs Wolfowitz was wearing Sunday.


How much more lying can the court-appointed Bush Administration do? Consider the crap they heap upon us:

The environment benefits from pollution

The evisceration of civil liberties is patriotic.

The price-gouging of seniors for prescriptions is for their own good.

Every time another several billion cubic liters of quicksand are added to the Iraqi Quagmire, it only proves how much stronger the American position has become.

If you believe any of this, W is your boy. Otherwise, make a donation to the Democratic candidate of your choice today.


The main reason they put Condi (and I'm not being familiar, I'm just sick of spelling her endless name) Rice in charge of the fiascoes in Iraq and Afghanistan is because it goes a long way towards removing them from congressional oversight. In any case, she has now been handed a bigger bag than Schwarzenegger.

The Rice appointment reiterates the fact that Republicans are never afraid to dump hopeless tasks in the laps of African-American women.

And so Condi's been rewarded for all those years of collaborating by being put in charge of the mess made by the Vietnam War Re-enactors that control the Oval Office.

War Re-enacting -- It's Not Just a Hobby Anymore!

The name "Rice" may soon eclipse that of "Quisling."

Conthelegions Rice

The court-appointed Bush Administration's ban on media coverage of returning coffins of US fatalities from the Iraqi Quagmire isn't meant to keep the true impact of the Quagmire censored from public view. No, it's being enforced because the Bushists are concerned that allowing such footage to be shot would precipitate a nationwide videotape shortage.

Bush increases *IQ Each day!
*Iraqi Quagmire

If W finds a way to speed US citizenship for all the deposed Latin-American despots now hunkered down in Miami, he may not have to rig the Florida vote to win the Sunshine State in 2004.

Ignore Rush Limbaugh-- A Waste is a Terrible Thing To Mind

Rush Limbaugh: Talent on loan from Oxycontin!


Considering the kind of brains they all seem to have, wouldn't a better name be: The Reptilican Party?

Health & Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson is supporting plans for a National Health Museum. That ought to provide a nice walk down Memory Lane-- at least for those Americans for whom HMO's haven't yet denied claims for crutches and canes.

At the Health Museum you don't get a ticket, you schedule an appointment-- but you can only do this if you have a referral from another museum.

You check in for your appointment and then spend the next several hours in a waiting room reading magazines that are older than anything in the Library of Congress's periodical collection.

Just as you are about to finally enter the museum, an HMO representative calls the receptionist and you are informed that you no longer have a valid claim to enter.

Wesley Clark is a man of his convictions. He has disengaged in Iowa just as he thinks W should disengage in Iraq.

Lieberman's withdrawal from Iowa is more interesting, I had thought he was only bought and paid for by the Insurance cabal and extreme reactionary supporters of Israel but his ducking out of Iowa may indicate he is also owned by the bane of the Hawkeye State: Big Agribusiness.

I'm not sure whether Lieberman's Detroit debate performance is better summarized as: "No Republican will keep me from behaving like a Republican" or "No Democrat will keep me from behaving like a Republican," but it's one of the two.

Recently the New York Times labeled Joe Lieberman a "centrist." There's a statement that would look absurd in the National Review.

Bush says the Ramadan Offensive won't deter him, which is true -- but only because he is nowhere near Baghdad.

The Thet Offensive didn't bother W during Nam, much for the same reason.

Yesterday RJ Reynolds announced plans to buy fellow tobacco behemoth Brown & Williamson, creating the world's largest private distributor of carcinogens (the Pentagon outpaces the public field). Then Anthem signaled its intention to purchase Wellpoint Health Networks and create the nation's largest health insurer. Ironically, more Americans will die as a result of the health care merger.

According to some guy I heard on the radio, Anti-Semitism is more pervasive than ever because it has spread to members of the Israeli military whose open questioning of Ariel Sharon's tactics are clearly the result of their own self-loathing.

The dissenting Israeli soldiers ought to just transfer to the Malaysian military and get it over with!

Wal-Mart's now exposed use of illegal aliens on its clean-up crews reminds us that there is no bargain so great as to justify the puny value Wal-Mart puts on life.

The clean-up crews, that worked as many as 363 nights per year, now face deportation for being tireless and grossly underpaid laborers for a nefarious and highly profitable corporation. Were there any justice, Wal-Mart would be deported and the laborers would stay.

Then we could see Wal-Mart attempt to sell its crap to the de facto slave labor that manufactures its merchandise. Now that would require some price slashing!

With Medicare costs rising and the senior population growing, the court-appointed Bush administration is quietly taking a long, hard second look at Soylent Green.

Wal-Mart would be happy to market it. Of course eventually it would switch to cheaper Chinese Soylent Green.

The Reagan Library is being threatened by the California wildfires. If flames consume the entire structure, nearly a dozen books could be lost.

The collection includes several phonebooks and Kitty Kelly's oral history of Nancy Reagan's relationship with Frank Sinatra.

If the Reagan library is incinerated, the books will be swept up and moved to the John Ashcroft Library, which is an urn.

REMEMBER: If the books are in ashes, they're from Ashcroft!

Jeb Bush ordered the feeding tube of a brain-damaged woman reinserted after her husband had received court backing to honor her wish to not live as a vegetable. Too bad she wasn't an impoverished child or Jeb would have been happy to let her starve to death.

Did you see W attempt to pronounce President Megawati Sukarnoputri's name last week in Indonesia? He butchered it up and barbecued it Texas -style.

If the Pentagon activates any more reserves, they'll to have to call out the National Guard to help families of the National Guard.

Russian oil baron Mikhail Khodorkovsky was seized by security agents on charges of fraud and tax evasion thus proving there are still some big differences between our two countries. For instance: In Russia, corrupt oil tycoons are seized by the state. In the USA, corrupt oil tycoons seize the state.

The new energy bill isn't moving through Congress as quickly as many had hoped but remember, it takes time to make sure that enough cronies, hucksters and racketeers benefit immodestly from the power grid crisis. Enron set a high standard in California-- it robbed billions and helped precipitate the sack of Sacramento with its underhanded dealings. It will take time for Congress to set up Enron's competitors in a position to do the same sort of damage to the entire nation.

Pharmaceutical giant Merck is cutting 4,400 jobs. Laid off workers will receive a termination package that includes a year's supply of antidepressants.

Sunday, October 12, 2003

CrimQuips 10/12/03

Commentary by Barry Crimmins

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Maybe if Californians took their gubernatorial votes as seriously as their American Idol ballots, last week's electoral embarrassment would have never occurred.

It's not the caliber of a candidate's character that counts, what's important is the quality of the special effects in his movies.

Fictional Governor-elect Schwarzenegger's first rule of swaying the masses: never say anything that won't fit on a tee-shirt.

If Arnold's new reality show is as much of a bust as I'm guessing it will be, he may soon be facing a Total Recall of his own.

Schwarzenegger doesn't need a platform -- he needs a script. It may be tough to find a good one since the fictional governor-elect snubbed all of the screenwriters, that made him what he appears to be today, by not thanking them in his acceptance speech.

I'm not sure whether or not Arnold is still on steroids but clearly his makeup person is.

That said, he is an inspiration to orange people everywhere.

Maybe the fictional governor-elect will try to solve the California budget deficit crisis by finding the right producer.

Arnold will do what he promises-- at least for the Enron muckety-mucks who now have their hand-picked shill in power to ensure they'll never pay back 9 billion they looted from California. Now they'll only pay the 2¢ on the dollar Bush's fixers okayed.(in case you missed Greg Palast's excellent piece on this http://www.gregpalast.com/detail.cfm?artid=284&row=0)

Bush's cronies at Enron loot $9 billion from California and Gray Davis gets ousted over an $8 billion deficit. Now another Enron lackey takes over the state but the bad guys aren't winning, are they? (And for you newcomers, I am not now nor have I ever been enamored with Gov. Davis but fair is fair and this doesn't pass the sniff test -- even when it is administered from 3,000 miles away.)

Things will be kind of slow in the Golden State until Vin Diesel decides whether or not to make a US Senate run.

Arnold's next feature will be called "Be Careful What You Wish For."

Schwarzenegger's win is a victory for the little guy. Well actually it's a victory for the little, cheesy, perverted guy who can only dream of committing sexual battery again and again without facing any consequences.

Many governor's claw their way to the top, Arnold just claws tops.

I've heard of the People's Choice Awards but this is ridiculous.

Enough of the Fictional Governor-elect -- hand him the very large bag he so craved and keep the cameras rolling.

George W. Bush boldly promises that he can repair the economy by further engorging the rich. He says he has a plan to eradicate terrorism from Planet Earth -- completely. He says he'll find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq despite the fact that by all accounts, none are there. He guarantees that Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein will be, without question, brought to justice. He is sure that he will turn Iraq into a western-style democracy in the very near future, providing we just forge a bit more deeply into the quagmire. He effortlessly maintains a straight face when he asserts that he will improve the environment by severely truncating regulations on corporate polluters. To listen to this man you'd have to believe he thinks he can do just about anything, no matter how illogical or improbable. But even W. has his limits and we have finally discovered something not even he thinks likely to be accomplished. W recently said he doesn't think that the identity of the "senio
r White House official" who leaked the identity of Ambassador Wilson's CIA agent wife will ever be discovered. So he's willing to go to the ends of the earth to fight those he labels as terrorists but he is quite reluctant to go to the end of the hall to find someone in his own office who is intentionally terrorized a government employee.

It's too bad the White House isn't as good at protecting the identities of intelligence officials as it is at protecting the identity of senior White House officials that out intelligence officials that are married to whistle-blowers.

The Chicago Cubs finally seemed to escape the curse of the billy goat when an eveb worse hex befalls the ill-fated team-- Donald Rumfeld has announced he's a Cub fan.

Dick Cheney ridiculed any opposition to the Iraq Quagmire in a speech to the Heritage Foundation. Right, Dick, what kind of an argument are body bags, or profiteering or sane energy policies compared to your need to plunge the war into generations of debt just to pay for your Halliburton pension plan?

King Tut's tomb is a humble grovel when contrasted with Cheney's Halliburton platinum parachute.

They have built a special passage from Cheney's crypt that leads directly to the Heritage Foundation so that he can make appearances there without the risk of ever being exposes to lethal sunshine.

Bush is cracking down on Cuba. When in doubt, turn to the democracy-loving Batista supporters.

Funny how those Batista supporters hated democracy when their boy was in power but have developed a taste for it in Miami. Except, of course, in US presidential races.

Rush Limbaugh is working on a new self-help guide for Republicans: When Bad Things Happen To Bad People.

If Limbaugh were held to his own standard of justice the only "twelve steps" he'd be taking would be on the way to the license plate shop.

Mayor John Street of Philadelphia, who ran an extremely successful "get out the vote" campaign that tipped the 2000 Pennsylvania vote to Al Gore, is now facing FBI office-bugging and smears by innuendo. This means just one thing: Karl Rove believes Pennsylvania is a toss-up in the 2004 race.

I'm sure there was no petty little vendetta there.

Why take the time to disenfranchise all of those voters when you can just discredit their champion?

The Muslim chaplain charged in Guantanamo is probably guilty of one thing: semi-humane behavior in what are intended to be brutally inhumane circumstances.

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

CrimQuips 10/6/03

Commentary by Barry Crimmins

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I am passing through the office just long enough to send out these quips. Next stop: The ACLU's College Freedom Tour Madison, Wisconsin at the U of W on Tuesday night.


"I despise everything Hitler stood for." -- Arnold Schwarzenegger, who had to say it because the idea that he is devoted to the Fuehrer is certainly rather feasible.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: The E True Heil-lywood Story.

Schwarzenegger claims he has the momentum in the California recall campaign, proving that he is as capable of lying as any career politician

If Arnold gets much more of the momentum he's had recently, the next thing he'll need is a bail bondsman.

Perhaps the quote I saw was truncated and what Arnold actually said was "I have to worry that all of these charges of criminal sexual behavior against me are beginning to gain momentum."

I have been interviewed by and performed with hundreds of women during my 30 years in show biz and if I had preemptively groped even one of them, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be putting my name on any ballots. But again, that's another thing makes Arnie a natural pol-- shamelessness.

From Schickelgruber to Serial-groper in two easy generations-- the Schwarzenegger family story.

Arnold despises everything about Hitler -- everything, that is, except Eva Braun and her lush, natural breasts, which he would have preemptively groped, had he ever met her.

Too bad Rush Limbaugh isn't a California resident or he could have provided Schwarzenegger with some real competition. "Lessee do we want the pill-popping, racist, neo-con artist or the Hitler-admiring, sexually-assaultive Hollywood fabrication? Decisions! Decisions!"

Considering the allegations that Arnold is into "spankings," the California electorate should oblige him.

Limbaugh the pill-popper is a great story. I guess we should have wondered why he was called "Rush."

Apparently Limbaugh thought ESPN hired him to do "colored" commentary.

Rush probably needs the pills - he always sounds like he's in a lot of pain.

If Limbaugh has to take all those drugs before he can say that stuff, one shudders to estimate the dosages his listeners require.

I know I wouldn't even consider turning his show on without first having a physician install a morphine pump in me.

In an effort to prove he's not a racist, Rush will announce plans to buy all of his drugs on the black market.

Speaking of Donovan McNabb (the African-American Philly QB Limbaugh assailed), Rush said, "What we have here is a little social concern in the N.F.L. The media has been very desirous that a black quarterback can do well — black coaches and black quarterbacks doing well." He may have something there. Consider this: McNabb was the greatest quarterback to ever play at Syracuse University -- a major media school. The second greatest QB to ever play for the Orange was Don McPherson, another African-American! And of course you know Ernie Davis played at Syracuse and was the first African-American to win the Heisman Trophy-- a story that was all over the --you guessed it -- media! Yes, I'm afraid Rush has uncovered a major scandal here. It's shocking to consider how those African-American players lead Syracuse to all those bowl games only because of the media's desire to make football worse by trying to turn it into some sort of pansy rainbow coalition.

If Rush Limbaugh doesn't have a racist bone in his body, then he'sbeen filleted.

Now that Dennis Miller and Rush Limbaugh have failed as NFL commentators, perhaps Ann Coulter will step up to fill the reactionary void. She's as obnoxious as both of them put together and appears to have much better pharmaceutical connections than Limbaugh.

Now that the three-month old CIA outing story is finally starting to build steam -- and since it can be instructive in demonstrating the deviousness of the court-appointed Bush Administration -- we must use it for all it's worth. However, it is rather ironic that the unethical treatment of a CIA employee may be what finally opens people eyes about this hopelessly corrupt regime.

"OK, OK, sure they were already using the 9/11 tragedy for venal political purposes by the time the second plane hit the World Trade Center, and there's no denying that they have privatized the federal treasury and handed it over to their corporate masters. And yes, they have shredded the Bill of Rights, made a preemptive strike on the environment and fabricated the need for a war that has killed thousands and cost tens of billions while developing into a quagmire; but when they hang a CIA operative out to dry, that's where I draw the line!"

Not that this isn't an important story -- particularly because by outing Ambassador Wilson's wife as a CIA operative the Bushists sent a message to the rest of the (so-called) intelligence community that said, "Death to whistle-blowers!" Considering how many of those people knew what a crock Bush's war rationale was -- and how few have said a word-- it appears the Big (Brother) Chill worked.

One worry I have about Wesley Clark is that it seems like all of his staunchest supporters won themselves over before he ever even announced his candidacy. They all buts say, "I was for Wesley Clark before even he knew he was a Democrat!" What Clark needs to do now is demonstrate that he can win support as an actual candidate.

Clark should welcome criticism and questions because if he is a general who cannot handle and respond to criticism, he won't make a very good president. We already have a "Because I said so!" guy sitting in the Oval Office, we don't need another and let's face it, generals are pretty notorious for issuing "my way or the highway" edicts.

Of course if you don't go Bush's way, he bombs the highway as you attempt to leave.

I hope General Clark will show himself to be open to challenges and willing to consider other ideas. Perhaps his becoming a Democrat indicates he possesses such propensities.

If a general can become a Democrat there may even be hope for Joe Lieberman.

The most encouraging thing about the Democratic field is that none of them are bashful about calling Bush the riffraff he is. Al Gore inexplicably avoided character issues when taking on the little weasel, it appears no Dem will make that mistake in '04.

Come on W, just admit it: they'll find an ethic at one of your cabinet meetings before they discover any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

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