Tuesday, December 30, 2003

CrimQuips 12/30/03

Commentary by Barry Crimmins


Former New Jersey Republican Governor Thomas Kean, the chairman of the so-called Independent Inquiry Into 9/11, says that had available intelligence information been properly utilized, the 2001 terror attacks were preventable. If he thinks pre-9/11 intelligence was poorly utilized, he should consider how little intelligence we have used since then.

Besides, had 9-11 been avoided there'd have been even fewer phony reasons for attacking Iraq.

In fairness, it should be remembered that the court-appointed Bush administration had the blueprint for needless war with Iraq in place long before 9/11. So let's be careful about pointing fingers!

In fact the blueprint for needless war with Iraq was in place even before the Bushists drew up plans for stealing the 2000 election. Talk about preparedness!

Back-peddling from the implications of his remarks, Kean said, "We're going to avoid a rush to judgment." Rough translation: Hey, I'm a good Republican. Rest assured I'll do all I can to keep the details from leaking before November 2004.

A certain radio commentator called Kean and privately pleaded for him to stop using the words "rush" and "judgment" in the same sentence.

It's official! The "Freedom Tower" will fill the physical void left behind by the destroyed World Trade Center structures. It is named in memory of all the civil liberties that have been assassinated by the court-appointed Bush administration since 9/11.

The Freedom Tower will be 1,776 feet tall, including plenty of residential space because people just love to move their families to the sites of horrific tragedies.

The pricing will be unique for skyscrapers: the higher the floor, the lower the rent.

Finally, some affordable housing in Manhattan!

Instead of a posh restaurant on the top floor, there'll be a Burger King.

The Muzak on the elevators will only play songs by Toby Keith, Hank Williams Jr. and Lee Greenwood.

After 100 or so stories of "I'm Proud to be an American,"you'll be ready to face anything.

And you thought the Target Center was in Minneapolis.

You have to hope that the obviously hurting Saddam Hussein has not been prescribed Oxycontin by the military medicos. The painkiller, known to cause deluded, nonstop yammering in fascists, would render any interrogation of Hussein useless.

Reports that Kurds actually captured and drugged Saddam Hussein, leaving him as a sitting duck/spider for American troops have been well-reported internationally but have been scarcer than decent motives in the new Medicare bill in the US corporate media.

Apparently, Saddam's capture was nothing more than the result of a "canned hunt" on a Kurdish game farm.

Canned hunts are how all those manly Texas "sportsmen" bag tigers in Amarillo or El Paso. The creatures live in a fenced in compound, hand-fed by humans from infancy until one day Bungalow Bubba pulls up in his SUV and serves the unsuspecting kitty a double-barrelled lunch.

This time the intrepid Texans came back with the head of a genuine eight-point freedom hater.

Considering all the years the US hand-fed Saddam, it really is kind of embarrassing that he ended up on a Kurdish canned hunt compound.

Capturing the former despot in no way evened the 9-11 score -- conspiracy freaks have made more plausible links between the White House and those hateful attacks than Bush ever made between Hussein and the al Qaeda killers.

Does anyone actually believe that only a million or so dollars was seized along with Saddam? In all likelihood there's already several lawn and leaf sized diplomatic pouches labeled: Karl Rove -- White House-- Deliver Before November 2004.

Somewhere Osama bin Laden may already be sitting in a spider hole that's also labeled: Karl Rove -- White House-- Deliver Before November 2004.

A Saddam Hussein trial would establish an uncomfortable precedent for all of the uncharged prisoners the US is holding in Guantanamo. And how about all the Middle Easterners who've been rounded up in INS sweeps? Don't they deserve as fair a shake as that received by a known mass murderer?

The USA: We always get our dictator --sometimes from spider holes, sometimes from Supreme Court rulings.

We can breathe a sigh of relief now that the selection of our national CEO will no longer hinge on a game of hide and seek with a homeless ex-dictator. It will pivot on larger issues, like terrorist-baiting, gay-bashing (anything for the cause, eh, Karl?) and fear-mongering.

Look at the bright side -- if the war miraculously ends and all the soldiers come home, the court-appointed Bush administration's goal of full unemployment will be easily reached.

The troops best bring back plenty of Iraqi crude because when the "jobless recovery" combines with hand over fist deficit spending and unconscionable tax cuts for the wealthy, it will be tough to keep up with the demand for all the oil required to grease America's economic skids.

In retrospect, W's photo-op with a plastic turkey during his layover in Baghdad on Thanksgiving wasn't much of a surprise. Birds of a feather...

Considering the disproportionate amount of precious water that's diverted for the nutritionally inefficient crop of cattle, this mad cow outbreak puts the West's suspect agricultural priorities even further up the river.

This could be a good sign-- first the cows get mad -- then the people.

Historical Note: When first warned about the likelihood of a mad cow disease outbreak, W plunged his head into the exact same hill of sand Ronald Reagan used when he was first cautioned about AIDS.

Carnage Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has suggested that the US act quickly in the aftermath of the deadly Iranian earthquake and finish the job nature began by leveling any buildings left standing by the tumbler.

What do you bet W's investigation into Halliburton's gas price-gouging in Iraq will identify the failure to open the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve to oil drilling as the real culprit?

Of course the domestic media would break the real story of Saddam's capture if only it wouldn't distract us from the Code Orange Terror Warning, which was put in place to distract us from the truth about Saddam's canned capture in the first place.

Considering how screwing up New Year celebrations with color-coded alarmism has become an annual event perhaps Tom Rigid should become the permanent co-host of Dick Clark's Rocking New Year's Eve!

The way the court-appointed Bush Administration sees it, when it comes to the facts concerning the Iraqi Quagmire: Repression is the better part of valor.

POX Americana, my 2004 Year in Review piece, came out in the Boston Phonix on Christmas Eve, a news night so overlooked that it's generally reserved for Republican legislative initiatives. If you saw it and liked it please send it along to others and to websites that reprint progressive columns. Thanks. BC


Monday, December 01, 2003

CrimQuips 11/30/03

Commentary by Barry Crimmins


I am extremely busy writing the year in review and working on some revisions of my upcoming book so quips will remain scarce for the balance of the year. --BC

Happy 168th Birthday Samuel Langhorne Clemens.


When did Ed McMahon and Dick Clark become the executive producers of Bush's personal appearance schedule?

What's Bush do next? Play a wacky trick on celebrity governor Arnold Shckelgroper?

"Look at yourself captured on our secret cameras, Arnold, you really thought she was going to press charges, didn't you?"

"Ya, W gott me goot dat time!"

The methods employed on Bush's Baghdad trip were nothing new for him -- he's been flying with the lights out for years.

Besides, vampires always operate under the cover of darkness.

Rumor has it that the landing gear for Bush's plane included training wheels.

How in hell did they get an aircraft carrier into Baghdad is the real question.


Bush didn't visit Iraq so much as have a layover there.

It would be like you or I making a connection at O'Hare and then bragging about how we really got a chance to know Chicago.

"And here's a picture of me with the skycaps who are synonymous with the Windy City."

"Wow! Chicago is just full of duty-free shops and there are news kiosks everywhere!"

"Many of the older natives travel by golf cart."


The biggest danger of a daylight mission for Bush would have been that he'd have seen for himself that there are no weapons of mass destruction.

Considering her visits to Afghanistan and Iraq (not layovers, mind you, but actual visits!) Hillary Clinton is Audie Murphy compared to Bush.

If Bush were so damned heroic, he'd have visited a field hospital.

But then, if Bush were heroic, there'd be no need for field hospitals.

The court-appointed prez has inspired many young Americans to emulate his courageous act. Armed services recruiting offices have been flooded with volunteers to take deluxe, catered, private flights to Iraq that: arrive under the cover of night, take part in ceremonies in their honor and then get the hell out before dawn.

Next year Bush plans to make a truly daredevil mission-- he's going to return to Iraq while daylight savings is in effect.

Bush's jet to Baghdad is quickly becoming a led balloon.

The footage of W's airport visit provides the US with some propaganda to counter all of those Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein tapes that keep turning up on Al Jazeera.

The average National Guardsman/woman stationed in Iraq spends more time waiting in line to use a pay phone than Bush spent in-country.

If traveling in the dark makes you a hero then millions of Iraqis have been heroes for most of the time since last March.

Whenever Bush makes one of these stunt appearances he has but one steadfast companion by his side: the hokey stench of Karl Rove.

A big sign that hangs in Rove's office says: MISSION ACCOMPLICE

How many non-photo-op soldiers ended up pulling mysterious Thanksgiving duty because of the increased security demands of W's visit? I bet they sure had a special holiday.

Of course the airport troops were happy to see Bush. They knew so long as he was there they were in the one safe spot in Baghdad.

I flew to Madison, Wisconsin last month and ran into more than 600 troops -- and that was just at the security checkpoints.

When they smuggled that heinous medicare bill past us under cover of night, Rove decided that Bush's touch and go visit to Baghdad just might work.

With all the traveling he's done lately, W is really piling up the frequent liar miles.

Bush hasn't done anything this glorious since he helped take San Diego last May.

"Psst.... Hail the conquering hero. Pass it on."

Nobody has full-time work anymore, not even wartime soldiers. Consider all the National Guard units involved in the Iraqi Quagmire. The American military has gone from Kelly's Rangers to Kelly Girls.

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