Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Hello to all,

Sorry I have been incommunicado but I promise I have been devoting almost all of my time and effort to endeavors that will guarantee that George W. Bush will be a one-term court-appointed president.

OK Here's the latest:

1- Never Trust a War Criminal by Barry Crimmins will be published this fall by Seven Stories Press. Please harangue your local bookseller to stock it.

2- Things at Air America are going great. I work with the wonderful Randi Rhodes each day. I will also be in Boston to cover the Democratic National Convention for AAR. If you miss Crimquips, listen to Randi carefully and you just might hear a few. I also tend to turn up on her show on Tuesdays because....

3- I'll also be in New York every Tuesday at Rocky Sullivan's hosting "Satire for Sanity" featuring all the greatest political humorists working today. There is already an Air America special in production from the shows that I have promised to do on a weekly basis until George W. Bush is is voted, hounded or impeached from office."
details @

This week's special musical guest is the fabled Christine Lavin. A. Whitney Brown, Randy Credico, Reno and Warren Thomas will add their world-class wits to the show. We have been selling out early for the unbelievably cheap $10 cover charge, so get to Rocky's (on Lexington Avenue between 28th and 29th as early as possible for the 8PM shows.

Upcoming guests will include Jim's Big Ego, David Cross, Kate Clinton and many, many more. This show has already become the underground place to be on Tuesdays in NYC. Any Tuesday you're in the city that the Republicans will soon regret holding their convention in, please do join us!

4- This weekend I return to Boston to perform at the Jimmy Tingle's UnConventional Comedy Convention at Jimmy's Off-Broadway Theater (formerly the Boston Baked Theater where I recorded "Kill the Messenger" way back when. I love the room, I love the city and I relish a chance to do an awful lot of new material in my artistic hometown. Working with my old pal Jimmy will be pretty great as well.

For tickets call
for group discounts, parking or more information call the theater's box office: 617-591-1616 Jimmy Tingle's OFF BROADWAY Theater,
255 Elm St., Davis Sq.,
Somerville, MA 02144
Phone hours:
Mon.-Fri., noon-5 pm;
walk-up sales 2 hours before each show.

And Jimmy has awful lot lined up for the rest of the month as well.

Jimmy Tingle's Un-Conventional
Political Humor Series

Get Your Tickets Now! Before It's Too Late!

7/14-7/15: Bizarro's Politicomedy A-Go-Go, featuring comedian Dan Piraro (creator of the syndicated comic strip "BIZARRO")

7/16-7/18: Barry Crimmins (HBO & Air America Radio), w/Baratunde R. Thurston (7/16th) & Jimmy Tingle $20

7/22-7/23: A. Whitney Brown ("Saturday Night Live"),
Jim Morris ("Larry King"), Will Durst ("David Letterman";
7/22 only), & host Bob Somerby

7/24-7/25: Janeane Garofalo (Air America Radio),
Sam Seder (Air America Radio) & Jimmy Tingle

7/25 (9:30pm show): Lewis Black (HBO) w/Jimmy Tingle

7/26-7/31: Jimmy Tingle & special guests "All Politics Is Loco!" tribute to Tip O'Neill

Tix $20-$40. Dinner/show specials.
Free parking. Davis Sq. on the Red Line.

OK, that's it, except to say that I lost my entire backlog of e-mail and my address book so if you were expecting a reply from me or haven't heard from me, please check in. I will reply as soon as humanly possible.

Peace and love,

Barry Crimmins

Wednesday, March 31, 2004

I have been working round the clock on the launch of Air America Radio. Liftoff was achieved today at High Noon.

More affiliates being added all the time. Here is the latest list
New York - WLIB 1190 AM
Los Angeles - KBLA 1580 AM
Chicago - WNTD 950 AM
Portland, OR- KPOJ 1620 AM
Inland Empire, CA- KCAA 1050 AM
Minneapolis MN - WMNN 1330AM
The O'Franken Factor from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.

The Randi Rhodes Show from 3PM to 7PM on 1290 WJNO West Palm Beach Florida

XM Satellite Radio - Channel 167


from 3-7 The Randi Rhodes Show
which is my primary assignment but I have written stuff you'll hear all over the network. We have worked very hard for months to get this up and running. Please torment your local programmers to pick up our shows in syndication.

call Randi at 866-303-2270 to join the fun

I am likely to turn up on Randi's show now and then,,,,

Working hard to drive the court-appointed Bush Administration from power,

Friday, January 30, 2004

Skull and Bones Follow up.
I have received three notes from subscribers concerning my naivete about John Kerry's membership in Yale's not so secret Skull and Bones Society.

I am not a big conspiracy devotee -- perhaps I have been tormented by one too many Kennedy assassination buffs. I have known John Kerry and many of his people for years and have had many differences with them. That said, I am relatively certain that they aren't simply pawns of a secret society. Were he to be nominated and then elected president, Kerry would restore White House respect for environmental laws, civil rights and civil liberties. He would appoint judges who are light years ahead of those named by Bush. Workers would get much more support in their struggles to survive in the modern economy and if we don't end up with some sort of national health care it won't be because it wasn't even a goal. Kerry would not have Dick Cheney and his cronies writing energy policy. He wouldn't create false reasons to go to war. If he did have troops in the field, they wouldn't have to rely on private sources to supply them with Kevlar vests. John Kerry wouldn't hide cutting veteran
's benefits behind a red, white and blue facade because he would work to restore benefits to his fellow vets. If caskets returned home filled with American soldiers under his watch, I am certain that he wouldn't attempt to censor news coverage of their arrival back on US soil.

If you ask me, it's a pretty crappy secret society that would allow one member to take the presidency from another. If it's so damned omnipotent, why would it allow any of its members to suffer the embarrassment of losing?

Does the Skull and Bones represent old school ties and the potential for cronyism in a Kerry Administration. Hell yes. Considering our current circumstances, is that a good enough reason to rule out support for Kerry? Hell no.

That said, were I voting tomorrow it would be for Dennis Kucinich. And I have sniped at Kerry for years- in Massachusetts - in print -- on stage. But unlike George W. Bush when Kerry runs into someone he knows he is courteous and says hello, rather than snubbing that person over political differences. Had I ever known Bush and then publicly challenged and criticized his positions do you think I could have ever expected any sort of courtesy from the man? Of course not.

To summarize: the implied shorthand of these Skull and Bones insinuations is that both Kerry and Bush serve the same master. Well I think that is rather far-fetched because we would be in discernibly better shape if John Kerry becomes president next January. And I repeat for the ten zillionth time, that I will support any Democrat (noting here that Lieberman's party status is a matter of dispute) this year against Bush.

OK, I am really leaving for the weekend now. Good luck to you, your candidates and your Super Bowl teams!

CrimQuips 1/30/04

Commentary by Barry Crimmins


Just a couple of quips followed by a brief primary update...

The world would be a much better place if the court-appointed Bush Administration knew the difference between Americana and Ghengiskhana.

The upside of the media enhanced Dean Iowa debacle is that it resulted in a new course of psychiatric treatment. It's called "primary scream therapy."

Speaking of the primaries...

I have seen it spun that John Kerry's New Hampshire Primary victory isn't that big of a deal since he comes from neighboring Massachusetts. Come on. It would be one thing if he had led in New Hampshire from wire to wire but Kerry picked up 34 points on Howard Dean in a matter of weeks and that is pretty impressive no matter where you're from. Massachusetts has a common border with the home of the first primary in the nation but New Hampshire and Vermont interlock and he regained that ground on the former governor of the Green Mountain State. At this point if you're in in the Anyone But Bush club, you must take a long look at Kerry.

I love Dennis Kucinich but was disappointed when exit polls showed that he lost the crucial battle for New Hampshire's delusional voters by a 3-1 margin to Joe Lieberman. This means that, at least in the Granite State, far more deluded people believe Lieberman is a Democrat than believe a Democratic candidate should stand up for progressive causes. Alas.

The Dean folks have a lot invested in their candidate and so they are going through a real Miami Dolphins fan moment. Each year the Dolphins kick ass in September but as the season winds down and the games become life and death, the Fins fade faster than newsprint in a greenhouse. With veteran beltway operative Roy Neel taking over the Dean run, so long to a campaign staple -- haranguing Washington insiders. Dean's best hope may rest on finding a way to prove thus far unsubstantiated charges of dirty tricks by the Kerry campaign (electronic "Dean" calls at imprudent hours, calls to Dean supporters with incorrect caucus addresses and so on). Some Dean boosters tried to blame their boy's loss in the Iowa CAUCUS on touch screen voting irregularities until they were reminded of just how preposterous, not to mention wrong, that was. This time around they would be well advised to double-check their case before taking it out in public.

Wesley Clark is definitely the best general running for president, bar none! Unfortunately, many voters don't relate to his penchant for equating everything to how he ran military facilities. In regular life we have hospitals, not sick bays; stores and not PX's; jails and not brigs or guardhouses; cafeterias and not mess halls. To us debates start at 7 o'clock and not 1900 hours. And some of us are just a tad nervous about a man who served in Vietnam, saw what took place over there and then deemed the military a sane career choice. Many of the nervous people are Vietnam vets. It could be argued that nobody has done more for John Kerry than Wesley Clark.

If the word 'electability' ends up in the dictionary, Clark's campaign will be largely responsible. When Kerry was lagging and Dean was apparently headed for the Super Bowl, Clark's foot soldiers began planting doubt about Dean's general appeal (if you'll forgive the term). The concept of "electability" has done more damage to Howard Dean (and I'm not saying it is fair or right, I am just reporting the facts here) than even his caterwaul heard 'round the world, which really, really hurt. Granted the media played gotcha by using the feed line from Dean's mike but even with the crowd howling, it was a pretty weird moment. And the timing was horrific considering he had just gotten his face rubbed in an Iowa pigsty by the formerly dead -to-rights Kerry. Much to the dismay of General Clark and his supporters, Senator Kerry, a man with serious military and public service credentials, and a candidate possessed of a veteran political organization, now seems the most likely person
to end up with his picture next to 'electability' in the dictionary.

It is nonsense to say that America will not elect a candidate from the Northeast. This myth grew out of Michael Dukakis's bungled campaign in 1988. It says here that, should he be nominated, John Kerry is shrewd enough to run against Bush the unelected's weaknesses in a manner in which Duke refused to engage against Bush the (soon to be)elected. The Dukakis campaign chose to completely ignore the Iran-Contra scandal and 41's role in it. Why remains unclear to this day. To further handcuff himself, he chose Lloyd Bentsen, a pro-Contra Dem as his running mate. And then Dukakis iced his layer cake of doom with braggadocio about the "Massachusetts Economic Miracle," a phenomena almost completely resultant from Reagan's massive military buildup. The Gipper's Pentagon spending spree infused cash into the Route 128 high tech corridor surrounding Boston faster than you could say "Raytheon and General Dynamics." Of course it only took the tweaking and/or delay of a few contracts to
set the Bay State back on the economic skids. It also didn't take the media long to investigate the Massachusetts economy west of Boston and find it in anything but miraculous repair.

Kerry's campaign rhetoric already indicates that he will not provide W with a pass on the scandals that surround the court-appointed presidency. In fact the "Real Deal" label his campaign has adopted takes the fraudulence of the current regime to task in just two words. And Jr is going to have a hard time pinning the economic woes of our nation on John Kerry or any Democrat. So please spare us the oppression of the conventional wisdom of Southern Strategies. The South is full of people who'd be happy to vote for a war hero who speaks candidly about George W. Bush's impervious attitudes toward contemporary soldiers and working people.

There is but one other Southern card to play. Senator John Edwards of North Carolina is the sweetest confectionary to arise from Dixie since the moon pie. He is a staunch advocate of good manners and will politely disagree with anyone who feels differently. Edwards has opted against a Senate re-election run, which could cost the Dems a crucial seat in the next Congress. Now there's a Southern Strategy. If a zephyr were to dislodge a cloud of cotton candy from its stick and send it careening into Edwards, you get the feeling he'd wind up with at least a few broken bones. That said, he might be the perfect VP candidate, particularly when contrasted with Fang Cheney.

OK, I am hitting the road. Hope to see some of you in Hartford Saturday.

Sunday, January 25, 2004

CrimQuips 1/25/04

Commentary by Barry Crimmins


"We are seeking all the facts -- already the Kay Report identified dozens of weapons of mass destruction-related program activities and significant amounts of equipment that Iraq concealed from the United Nations." -- Court-appointed President George W. Bush last week in his State of the Union Address.

"That is correct." -- David Kay, the author of the aforementioned report when asked if he was saying that Iraq did not have any large stockpiles of chemical and biological weapons, in a Reuters interview released just two days after Bush's SOTU speech.

"Yes, we believe he [Saddam Hussein] had them, [WMD} and yes we believe they will be found…We believe the truth will come out." -- White House Chief Prevaricator Scott. McClellan continuing to maintain that up is down even though Bush's own handpicked inspection chief acknowledged there are no weapons to be found as he resigned his futile post.

'We believe the truth will come out?' My goodness, Scott, don't let Dick Cheney catch you saying stuff like that around the Oval Office! -- Barry Crimmins -- self-appointed thorn in the side of the court-appointed Bush administration.

Taking a page from Walmart's book, W had the Capitol's doors locked so that no one could walk out on his endless State of the Union Address last week.

Dennis Miller's new show debuts on CNBC on Monday and if all goes well, a slot on Bloomberg isn't out of the question.

Just what America needs: a smug quisling mugging above its stock quotes.

Pretty soon Miller will be doing shows in the exciting new smaller portion of the "picture in picture" format on a public access cable show near you.

To sell out that much and still end up on CNBC is just pitiful.

Bush's Mars exploration plans represent some serious foresight. One day this Iraq boondoggle will end and Halliburton will need something like a Mars mission for fleecing the taxpayer.

Of course it will take a lot of R&D dollars for Halliburton to determine how to bribe microbes on Mars.

W is pushing education as a campaign theme this year. OK, technically it's "re-education" for registered Democrats -- nevertheless he's pushing it.

Bush says he is eating beef and isn't vaguely concerned about the possibility of mad cow disease. Of course he isn't -- the disease attacks the brain.

Either they don't have the internet in Iowa or Howard Dean has a few problems.

Apparently Dean is strongest among people with multiple screen-names.

Dean's freakout of a speech on the night of the Iowa caucus was meant to inspire his younger supporters? How? By calling to mind the kind of person who gets the cops called to a rave?

I guess we shouldn't be surprised when a guy from Vermont demonstrates the ability to go downhill at a rapid rate of speed.

Doc Dean has a few days to turn his virtual candidacy back into a real one and if he can do it anywhere, New Hampshire would be the place. If he doesn't rebound he has brought many issues, many new voters and much untainted money into the mix and there is nothing wrong with any of that.

We have watched Bush commit one faux pas after the next without receiving anywhere near the scrutiny or analysis of Dean's Screech Heard 'round the World.

And by the way, Peter Jennings, Bush WAS a deserter during Nam. Jesus, don't you have Google at ABC?

John Kerry is looking better and better. Unlike Dean, he has never been quoted as saying "YEEEEAAGGH!" on CNN and unlike Clark he has never given the commencement address at the School of the America's (aka/ School of the Assassins) as did Clark in 1996.

And by the way, Kerry gives the Dems all the military credibility they ever need without any "general" baggage so Wesley Clark's supporters need to present some other credentials as to why their man is a more viable option than Kerry.

Dick Gephart - The Iowa Carcass

Jokes aside, let's hope Dick continues his efforts for workers by fighting the scourge of globalization.

Sure Kerry can bring out Green Berets he saved in Nam but you never hear about the several times Bush took the wheel when his guardsmen buddies were too hammered to drive. Yup, old W was the best damned shit-faced driver in his battalion but he'd never stoop to exploiting it for political purposes.

If they gave out purple hearts for hangovers, W would have been the most decorated soldier of the Vietnam era.


I think it's great that Iowa caucusers gave this race back to their fellow Democrats. It's even greater that they took it away from the foregone conclusions that were being peddled by pundits. Let's see how the Democratic aspirants do under growing pressure and then we'll have a good idea who will be able to withstand the heat this fall. For now I am pleased to see that the Capital Gang(ster) types don't seem to have much influence with rank and file Democrats.

That said, I will discard my own advice and make a prediction. Here goes: Speculation about Progress Radio will prove to be as inaccurate as most punditry has been concerning the Democratic field. One analyst after the next has prognosticated what the network will be about and then proceeded to demonstrate why such an endeavor is likely to fail. But not one of these analysts has come close to accurately foretelling what will soon be reaching the American radio dial. In the near future we will take to the air and suddenly there will be a paucity of straw men available for pundit immolation.

Too often we are subjected to commentary that is dominated by people telling us what is going to happen, instead of what is happening or has happened. Well if you don't know what's going on or what's gone on, you're not too likely to have an accurate vision of the future. We are working to build a network that will first and foremost get information to people so that they can draw their own conclusions.

Almost no mainstream commentators came close to foreseeing the Iraqi quagmire in the months of yammering leading up to the war. Millions of protesters foresaw the nightmare long before it unfolded. The new network will be a source of information and entertainment to the greatest people in the world -- the kind of people who would rather brave frigid weather to express their hopes and fears about the future rather wait for their opinions to be delivered by some electronic windbag, re-circulating the hot air of conventional wisdom.


Please take the time to click and read the following piece by David Vest http://www.opednews.com/vest0104_wounded_captives.htm
--it exposes the court-appointed Bush Administration for being penny ante patriots concerning the wellbeing of the very soldiers it has sent into harm's way.

Thursday, January 22, 2004

GOP Chairman Ed Gillespie sent me my very own personal copy of Bush's State of the Union Address. To be courteous I dashed off the following reply:


Barry Crimmins responds to the 2004 SOTU Address.


(Barry's remarks are preceded by" BC". Bush's remarks are by "GWB:")

The State of the Union Address

President George W. Bush

January 20, 2004

GWB: Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, Members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow citizens:

America this evening is a Nation called to great responsibilities. And we are rising to meet them.

BC: Particularly in New Hampshire.

GWB: As we gather tonight, hundreds of thousands of American servicemen and women are deployed across the world in the war on terror. By bringing hope to the oppressed, and delivering justice to the violent, they are making America more secure.

BC:They are delivering justice, alright. They are delivering it by telling the truth about the neglect, shoddy equipment, dangerous circumstances and muddled mission that has been inflicted upon them. The wounded, who've returned to abysmally poor treatment and benefits, will soon gather enough strength to seek some justice of their own. The dead, although brought into our nation under the shroud of darkness in an attempt to minimize the significance of their sacrifice, have filled some 600 graves that will forever remind the world of your callous wasting of their lives. Thousands and thousands of more such graves bespeak the same needless horror in Afghanistan and Iraq.

GWB: Each day, law enforcement personnel and intelligence officers are tracking terrorist threats; analysts are examining airline passenger lists; the men and women of our new Homeland Security Department are patrolling our coasts and borders. And their vigilance is protecting America.

BC:In the meantime while using all of this personnel to handle an unwieldy and hopelessly inefficient method of allegedly keeping us safe, you have caught thousands of innocents in your driftnet of paranoia. In the process you have done savage harm to the very civil liberties that should be a top priority of any decent homeland security operation.

GWB: Americans are proving once again to be the hardest working people in the world.

BC:Those not looking for work 24 hours a day simply can't because their multiple part-time, benefit-less jobs won't allow them to do so.

GWB: The American economy is growing stronger. The tax relief you passed is working.

BC: Glad to hear tax relief, unlike millions of Americans, is working. If we continue to create jobs at the rate of 1,000 per month (last month's total) it will only take 3,000 more years of your giveaways to the rich for us to regain the THREE MILLION jobs we have lost under your court-appointed presidency.

GWB: Tonight, Members of Congress can take pride in great works of compassion and reform that skeptics had thought impossible. You are raising the standards of our public schools; and you are giving our senior citizens prescription drug coverage under Medicare.

BC: Compassion for Big Pharmaceutical companies in guaranteeing them retail list price in perpetuity. Compassion for insurance hucksters that spend more money figuring out how to deny coverage than provide it. And reform by stealing funds from public schools so that they can be used to indoctrinate children in religious dogma at private institutions. Yeah, those are some real proud achievements.

GWB: We have faced serious challenges together -- and now we face a choice. We can go forward with confidence and resolve -- or we can turn back to the dangerous illusion that terrorists are not plotting and outlaw regimes are no threat to us.

BC: George W. Bush is offering us a choice: Four more years of his oppressive regime or Terrorism. Well, W, I am hard pressed to tell the difference.

GWB: We can press on with economic growth, and reforms in education and Medicare -- or we can turn back to the old policies and old divisions.

BC: Old divisions? Four more years of you and there will be fucking moats in this country.

GWB: We have not come all this way -- through tragedy, and trial, and war -- only to falter and leave our work unfinished.

BC: We know you haven't but since your negligence was a key element of the tragedy and since you flew to Nebraska when the trial began and since you needlessly fomented war that has brought heartbreak and misery to millions while alienating the USA from the international community, your job, the implementation of Paul Wolfowitz's New American Century, will be finished only over our dead political bodies.

GWB: Americans are rising to the tasks of history, and they expect the same of us. In their efforts, their enterprise, and their character, the American people are showing that the state of our Union is confident and strong.

BC:Nationalistic prattle. Human beings from all nations have a very strong survival instinct. One way or another it eventually provokes them to realize that if they are to survive as a species they must take stands against despots. Next November this country will take just such a stand.

GWB: Our greatest responsibility is the active defense of the American people. Twenty-eight months have passed since September 11th, 2001 -- over two years without an attack on American soil -- and it is tempting to believe that the danger is behind us. That hope is understandable, comforting -- and false. The killing has continued in Bali, Jakarta, Casablanca, Riyadh, Mombassa, Jerusalem, Istanbul, and Baghdad. The terrorists continue to plot against America and the civilized world. And by our will and courage, this danger will be defeated.

And your needless preemptive war has mass produced terrorists and handed extremists a rationalization for accelerated bloodshed.

GWB: Inside the United States, where the war began,

BC: Which war began where? The terrorist war began in the USA? You can't prove it by the victims of the death squads your dad and so many of the people now in your employ sent out to terrorize during the 1980's.

GWB: we must continue to give homeland security and law enforcement personnel every tool they need to defend us.

BC: Well then answer all the questions you are asked about 9/11 and stop hiding behind your stolen office.

GWB: And one of those essential tools is the PATRIOT Act, which allows Federal law enforcement to better share information, to track terrorists, to disrupt their cells, and to seize their assets.

BC: You see, because Hitler attempted genocide, if a fascist doesn't commit (or at least call for) genocide then he thinks he can't be compared to Hitler. But the lingo and intent of the Patriot Act is fascist. It is meant to impose more government control over all of us. It is meant to destroy civil liberties that create so many cumbersome boundaries for law enforcement. And it is meant to make it much easier to make life difficult for people of certain ethnic and religious backgrounds. This PATRIOT Act scam is exactly the kind of fascist program that makes W fair game for fascist-baiting.

GWB: For years, we have used similar provisions to catch embezzlers and drug traffickers. If these methods are good for hunting criminals, they are even more important for hunting terrorists.

BC: Terrorists aren't criminals?

Oh yeah and the War on Drugs has been every bit as effective at interdicting drugs as the war on terror has been at eliminating terrorism. And goodness knows had the war on embezzlement ever even taken place, you'd have had many fewer dollars in your campaign chest.

GWB: Key provisions of the PATRIOT Act are set to expire next year. The terrorist threat will not expire on that schedule. Our law enforcement needs this vital legislation to protect our citizens -- you need to renew the PATRIOT Act.

BC: No, we need to ELECT a new president.

GWB: America is on the offensive against the terrorists who started this war. Last March, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, a mastermind of September 11th, awoke to find himself in the custody of U.S. and Pakistani authorities. Last August 11th brought the capture of the terrorist Hambali, who was a key player in the attack in Indonesia that killed over 200 people. We are tracking al-Qaida around the world -- and nearly two-thirds of their known leaders have now been captured or killed. Thousands of very skilled and determined military personnel are on a manhunt, going after the remaining killers who hide in cities and caves -- and, one by one, we will bring the terrorists to justice.

BC:And they are being replaced dozen by dozen.

GWB: As part of the offensive against terror, we are also confronting the regimes that harbor and support terrorists, and could supply them with nuclear, chemical, or biological weapons. The United States and our allies are determined: We refuse to live in the shadow of this ultimate danger.

BC:Notice how the speechwriters assiduously avoid the term "Weapons of Mass Destruction" here. This is because W used up all possible references to WMD during last year's SOTU address. No need to call to mind those specious claims.

GWB: The first to see our determination were the Taliban, who made Afghanistan the primary training base of al-Qaida killers. As of this month, that country has a new constitution, guaranteeing free elections and full participation by women.

BC: The Taliban consists of some of the only people who lost jobs while you were president who are now back at work. And Afghanistan remains a dangerous mess.

GWB: Businesses are opening, health care centers are being established, and the boys and girls of Afghanistan are back in school. With help from the new Afghan Army, our coalition is leading aggressive raids against surviving members of the Taliban and al-Qaida. The men and women of Afghanistan are building a nation that is free, and proud, and fighting terror -- and America is honored to be their friend.

BC: I'll give you this much, W.; the Afghans did manage to get a bumper crop of heroin to the world market despite continued war and instability.

GWB: Since we last met in this chamber, combat forces of the United States, Great Britain, Australia, Poland, and other countries enforced the demands of the United Nations, ended the rule of Saddam Hussein -- and the people of Iraq are free. Having broken the Baathist regime, we face a remnant of violent Saddam supporters.

BC:And they are the only people fighting, huh? If the US military believes that load of crap, it has no chance in ever stabilizing Iraq. Sure there are Baathists but there are thousands of others, galvanized by your actions or, at the very least, invited by the tantalizing Red, White and Blue target you sent to Baghdad.

GWB: Men who ran away from our troops in battle are now dispersed and attack from the shadows.

BC:Considering your military record, W, I would think twice about talking about men running away from our troops.

And what you're saying here is that an outmanned and outgunned force has chosen to employ guerrilla tactics. You, the commander of the world's largest fighting machine engaged in an unprovoked assault on a sovereign nation, respond by saying "No Fair."

GWB: These killers, joined by foreign terrorists,

BC:Ahh, there we go. Foreign terrorists and Saddam supporters and YOU brought them together, W.

GWB: are a serious, continuing danger. Yet we are making progress against them. The once all-powerful ruler of Iraq was found in a hole, and now sits in a prison cell.

BC:Notice he doesn't say "US troops captured Saddam." This corroborates the veracity of the stories that revealed Hussein was caught, drugged and put in that pit by Kurds. The much-heralded American capture was nothing more than a kill on a "canned hunt" game farm.

GWB: Of the top 55 officials of the former regime, we have captured or killed 45. Our forces are on the offensive, leading over 1,600 patrols a day, and conducting an average of 180 raids every week. We are dealing with these thugs in Iraq, just as surely as we dealt with Saddam Hussein's evil regime.

BC: And if you think Americans' rights have been trampled consider what is being done to millions of unoffending people in Iraq.

GWB: The work of building a new Iraq is hard, and it is right.

BC: Well, it is right-wing. I'll give you that.

GWB: And America has always been willing to do what it takes for what is right.

BC: What he means is if you don't shut up and go along with our reactionary madness, we will question your patriotism and common decency.

GWB: Last January, Iraq's only law was the whim of one brutal man.

BC:Now it has no law at all.

GWB: Today our coalition is working with the Iraqi Governing Council to draft a basic law, with a bill of rights.

BC: Since you are no longer using the US Bill of Rights perhaps you could give it to the Iraqis.

GWB: We are working with Iraqis and the United Nations to prepare for a transition to full Iraqi sovereignty by the end of June.

BC: You know why? Because US elections are in the beginning of November and W is running out of lipstick for this pig.

GWB: As democracy takes hold in Iraq, the enemies of freedom will do all in their power to spread violence and fear. They are trying to shake the will of our country and our friends -- but the United States of America will never be intimidated by thugs and assassins.

BC: Really, then why did you hightail it to Nebraska on 9/11?

GWB: The killers will fail, and the Iraqi people will live in freedom.

BC: All because one little unelected man had the guts it took to make sweeping, ridiculous promises.

GWB: Month by month, Iraqis are assuming more responsibility for their own security and their own future.

BC: New cemeteries are popping up all over Iraq and will provide a secure future for thousands of victims of the security that has been imposed upon them.

GWB: And tonight we are honored to welcome one of Iraq's most respected leaders: the current President of the Iraqi Governing Council, Adnan Pachachi. Sir, America stands with you and the Iraqi people as you build a free and peaceful nation.

BC: Now there's a guy who will never be able to get his insurance renewed.

GWB: Because of American leadership and resolve, the world is changing for the better.

BC: Megalomaniacal poppycock.

GWB: Last month, the leader of Libya voluntarily pledged to disclose and dismantle all of his regime's weapons of mass destruction programs,

BC: He said the magic words but only after burying them deeper in the speech than any cave Osama bin Laden occupies.

GWB: including a uranium enrichment project for nuclear weapons. Colonel Qadhafi correctly judged that his country would be better off, and far more secure, without weapons of mass murder.

BC: How about following his sane lead, W?

GWB: Nine months of intense negotiations involving the United States and Great Britain succeeded with Libya, while 12 years of diplomacy with Iraq did not. And one reason is clear:

BC: Yeah, Iraq had no weapons of mass destruction to give up!

GWB: For diplomacy to be effective, words must be credible -- and no one can now doubt the word of America.

BC: Except when it comes to things like honoring treaties or the testimony of its secretary of state before the UN.

GWB:Different threats require different strategies.

BC: And different strategies require different threats. For example: you threaten us with terrorism via color-coded hysteria to con us into giving up our civil liberties with your PATRIOT Act gambit. You silence whistle blowers by outing a CIA agent to keep any sane questioning of dangerous policies from reaching the general public. You punish longtime allies for not participating in your needless war through harsh economic maneuvering meant to scare other nations into compliance. Such flexibility!

GWB:Along with nations in the region, we are insisting that North Korea eliminate its nuclear program.

BC: In which region? Does this mean you are insisting China divest itself of its nuclear program? If so, why don't you set a good example and do the same?

GWB:America and the international community are demanding that Iran meet its commitments and not develop nuclear weapons. America is committed to keeping the world's most dangerous weapons out of the hands of the world's most dangerous regimes.

BC: Despot, heal thyself!

GWB: When I came to this rostrum on September 20th, 2001, I brought the police shield of a fallen officer,

BC: Which, it turns out, was wrested from the hands of the grief-stricken widow. And it was the exact same stunt your old man pulled years earlier in New York. If you'd read some Jimmy Breslin, you'd know that you had already been exposed on this cynical sham.

GWB:my reminder of lives that ended, and a task that does not end.

BC: Yeah but the task is to save lives, not end them. You are apparently fighting a losing battle with dyslexia on this front.

GWB:I gave to you and to all Americans my complete commitment to securing our country and defeating our enemies.

BC: And today America has many more new enemies than it did on that day when we were the focus of worldwide compassion and sympathy. Nice going, W!

GWB:And this pledge, given by one, has been kept by many. You in the Congress have provided the resources for our defense, and cast the difficult votes of war and peace. Our closest allies have been unwavering.

BC: This is a nice way of saying that in the court of world opinion, we could no longer find twelve jurors even willing to consider your nonsensical and violent case.

GWB: America's intelligence personnel and diplomats have been skilled and tireless.

BC: More "greatest country in the land" bullshit.

GWB: And the men and women of the American military -- they have taken the hardest duty.

BC: While Halliburton has taken the obscene profits. We all have to do our part.

GWB:We have seen their skill and courage in armored charges, and midnight raids, and lonely hours on faithful watch.

BC: But when their caskets return home, we see nothing, per your order.

GWB: We have seen the joy when they return, and felt the sorrow when one is lost.

BC: How about those who have returned wounded to subhuman conditions and medical mistreatment in places like Fort Stewart, Georgia?

GWB:I have had the honor of meeting our servicemen and women at many posts, from the deck of a carrier in the Pacific,

BC: Mission Accomplished -- now everyone knows how what a vapid fraud you are!

GWB: to a mess hall in Baghdad.

BC: Where you arrived cloaked in more darkness than can be found in any thousand spider holes.

GWB: Many of our troops are listening tonight. And I want you and your families to know: America is proud of you. And my Administration, and this Congress, will give you the resources you need to fight and win the war on terror.

BC: Offer does not include Kevlar vests or proper amounts of water. Support for troops void in all sectors when they leave the service and become veterans.

GWB: I know that some people question if America is really in a war at all.

BC: Technically speaking, it's a quagmire.

GWB: They view terrorism more as a crime -- a problem to be solved mainly with law enforcement and indictments. After the World Trade Center was first attacked in 1993, some of the guilty were indicted, tried, convicted, and sent to prison. But the matter was not settled.

BC: But it is now because you have chosen to engulf a region in war over your lust for oil? Spare us, you hollow little man.

GWB:The terrorists were still training and plotting in other nations, and drawing up more ambitious plans. After the chaos and carnage of September 11th, it is not enough to serve our enemies with legal papers. The terrorists and their supporters declared war on the United States -- and war is what they got.

BC: But your kids didn't get the war, poor people's kids did. And Saddam had nothing to do with 9/11-- nothing. Future terrorist attacks may well have everything to do with your assault upon Iraq. You are a pitiful fraud, George W. Bush.

GWB: Some in this chamber, and in our country, did not support the liberation of Iraq.

BC: I have always been for the liberation of Iraq. Your war was not the way to do it and that becomes clearer each day.

GWB: Objections to war often come from principled motives. But let us be candid about the consequences of leaving Saddam Hussein in power. We are seeking all the facts -- already the Kay Report identified dozens of weapons of mass destruction-related program activities

BC: The claims are getting vaguer and more and more qualified, aren't they?

GWB: and significant amounts of equipment that Iraq concealed from the United Nations.

BC: Just last week we found an entire tool shed full of rakes!

GWB: Had we failed to act, the dictator's weapons of mass destruction programs would continue to this day.

BC: Had you failed to act there'd have been no more than the zero such weapons Saddam had. Give it up!

GWB: Had we failed to act, Security Council resolutions on Iraq would have been revealed as empty threats, weakening the United Nations

BC: And we know how that would pain you and your band of New Centurions.

GWB:and encouraging defiance by dictators around the world. Iraq's torture chambers would still be filled with victims -- terrified and innocent. The killing fields of Iraq -- where hundreds of thousands of men, women, and children vanished into the sands --

BC: Many of whom disappeared as the result of your own father's assault on that nation-- or were there no mass graves from that war?

GWB: would still be known only to the killers. For all who love freedom and peace, the world without Saddam Hussein's regime is a better and safer place.

BC: We're glad he's gone but the world is much less safe because of your near unilateral method of driving him from power.And your retrofitted rationales for war don't make the deceit you used to start it any less serious an offense.

GWB: Some critics have said our duties in Iraq must be internationalized. This particular criticism is hard to explain to our partners in Britain, Australia, Japan, South Korea, the Philippines, Thailand, Italy, Spain, Poland, Denmark, Hungary, Bulgaria, Ukraine, Romania, the Netherlands, Norway, El Salvador, and the 17 other countries that have committed troops to Iraq.

BC: By my count there are exactly ZERO Middle Eastern countries on that list.

BC: We need to get the provocative presence of US troops out of Iraq. And the vast majority of troops in that country are American. Cut the bullshit.

GWB: As we debate at home, we must never ignore the vital contributions of our international partners, or dismiss their sacrifices.

BC: I notice and bum out every time I hear of any casualties in the war you needlessly fomented.

GWB:From the beginning, America has sought international support for operations in Afghanistan and Iraq, and we have gained much support. There is a difference, however, between leading a coalition of many nations, and submitting to the objections of a few.

BC: A FEW??? Wow, he is either completely delusional or the world's most callous liar. George Bush and Tony Blair decided to attack Iraq and then they did it. Others came along for a variety of cynical political purposes but this war has not been waged at the will of the world's people. It has been waged against it.

GWB: America will never seek a permission slip to defend the security of our people.

BC: Yes but it will be happy to put uncounted foreigners in detention hall with little or no due process.

GWB: We also hear doubts that democracy is a realistic goal for the greater Middle East, where freedom is rare. Yet it is mistaken, and condescending, to assume that whole cultures and great religions are incompatible with liberty and self-government.

BC: To W, self- government means government by me, myself and my cronies.

GWB:I believe that God has planted in every heart the desire to live in freedom.

BC: Oh great, just what the Middle East needs-- another religious zealot.

GWB: And even when that desire is crushed by tyranny for decades, it will rise again.

BC: Sometimes it can even rise after just four awful years.

GWB: As long as the Middle East remains a place of tyranny, despair, and anger, it will continue to produce men and movements that threaten the safety of America and our friends.

BC: So get out and take your portions of tyranny, despair and anger with you.

GWB: So America is pursuing a forward strategy of freedom in the greater Middle East. We will challenge the enemies of reform, confront the allies of terror, and expect a higher standard from our friends. To cut through the barriers of hateful propaganda, the Voice of America and other broadcast services are expanding their programming in Arabic and Persian -- and soon, a new television service will begin providing reliable news and information across the region.

BC: Somewhere, Rupert Murdoch is boning up on his Farsi.

GWB: I will send you a proposal to double the budget of the National Endowment for Democracy, and to focus its new work on the development of free elections, free markets, free press, and free labor unions in the Middle East.

BC: Might as well send them to the Middle East before such ideas take hold and do you in at home.

GWB: And above all, we will finish the historic work of democracy in Afghanistan and Iraq, so those nations can light the way for others, and help transform a troubled part of the world.

BC: Sadly, the only light that those nations will bring to the rest of the world will be that cast by the flash of incendiary devices as they are detonated.

GWB:America is a Nation with a mission -- and that mission comes from our most basic beliefs. We have no desire to dominate, no ambitions of empire.

BC: Tell it to Paul Wolfowitz.

GWB: Our aim is a democratic peace -- a peace founded upon the dignity and rights of every man and woman. America acts in this cause with friends and allies at our side, yet we understand our special calling: This great Republic will lead the cause of freedom.

BC: It will if it can overcome electronic election-rigging next fall.

GWB: In these last three years, adversity has also revealed the fundamental strengths of the American economy. We have come through recession, and terrorist attack, and corporate scandals, and the uncertainties of war. And because you acted to stimulate our economy with tax relief, this economy is strong, and growing stronger.

BC: And the stench is killing us.

GWB: You have doubled the child tax credit from 500 to a thousand dollars, reduced the marriage penalty, begun to phase out the death tax, reduced taxes on capital gains and stock dividends, cut taxes on small businesses, and you have lowered taxes for every American who pays income taxes.

BC: (offer not applicable to middle class working people in the continental United States or Alaska or Hawaii)

GWB:Americans took those dollars and put them to work, driving this economy forward. The pace of economic growth in the third quarter of 2003 was the fastest in nearly 20 years. New home construction: the highest in almost 20 years. Home ownership rates: the highest ever. Manufacturing activity is increasing. Inflation is low. Interest rates are low. Exports are growing. Productivity is high. And jobs are on the rise.

BC: Yes, rising at the aforementioned rate of one thousand per month.

GWB:These numbers confirm that the American people are using their money far better than government would have -- and you were right to return it.

BC: New summer home starts are up 800%! Two Humvees in every garage!

GWB:America's growing economy is also a changing economy. As technology transforms the way almost every job is done, America becomes more productive, and workers need new skills.

BC: Yes, like foraging for edible roots.

GWB: Much of our job growth will be found in high-skilled fields like health care and biotechnology.

BC: Finding new and better treatments from which to deprive Americans.

GWB: So we must respond by helping more Americans gain the skills to find good jobs in our new economy.

BC: The first job we must learn to do is that of getting our fellow Americans to register and vote you out of office. Then there will be more real jobs for everyone.

GWB: All skills begin with the basics of reading and math, which are supposed to be learned in the early grades of our schools. Yet for too long, for too many children, those skills were never mastered.

BC: For example: the entire state of Florida still is incapable of counting votes.

GWB:By passing the No Child Left Behind Act, you have made the expectation of literacy the law of our country.

BC: Too bad the Supremacist Court doesn't expect the same of our presidents.

GWB: We are providing more funding for our schools -- a 36 percent increase since 2001. We are requiring higher standards. We are regularly testing every child on the fundamentals. We are reporting results to parents, and making sure they have better options when schools are not performing. We are making progress toward excellence for every child.

BC: You are doing all you can to undermine public schools and promote bible-thumping indoctrination institutes while acting as if it is an act of altruism.

GWB: But the status quo always has defenders.

BC: When the status quo means maintaining the separation of church and state, you bet it does!

GWB: Some want to undermine the No Child Left Behind Act by weakening standards and accountability. Yet the results we require are really a matter of common sense: We expect third graders to read and do math at third grade level -- and that is not asking too much.

BC: If only they had such standards when W was in the third grade.

GWB:Testing is the only way to identify and help students who are falling behind.

BC: Which is also why we need presidents who are willing to sit and answer questions and follow-ups to questions rather than just appearing at orchestrated press conferences and phony events like the SOTU address.

GWB: This Nation will not go back to the days of simply shuffling children along from grade to grade without them learning the basics. I refuse to give up on any child -- and the No Child Left Behind Act is opening the door of opportunity to all of America's children.

BC: Of course the door of the private schools Bush is funding rarely is handicapped accessible but who cares about leaving children in wheelchairs behind at public schools that have been impoverished by a drain of their funds to schools run by fundamentalist whack jobs?

GWB: At the same time, we must ensure that older students and adults can gain the skills they need to find work now.

BC: For instance, galley ship drumming is an oft-overlooked opportunity.

GWB: Many of the fastest-growing occupations require strong math and science preparation, and training beyond the high school level. So tonight I propose a series of measures called Jobs for the 21st Century.

BC: With pay from the19th century. It's the only way a business can compete in the age of globalization.

GWB: This program will provide extra help to middle- and high school students who fall behind in reading and math, expand Advanced Placement programs in low-income schools, and invite math and science professionals from the private sector to teach part-time in our high schools. I propose larger Pell Grants for students who prepare for college with demanding courses in high school. I propose increasing our support for America's fine community colleges, so they can train workers for the industries that are creating the most new jobs. By all these actions, we will help more and more Americans to join in the growing prosperity of our country.

He'll propose this stuff but the money needed to implement it will still end up in Halliburton's vault.

GWB: Job training is important, and so is job creation. We must continue to pursue an aggressive, pro-growth economic agenda.

BC: The only economically-related things that are growing that matter to average people are unemployment lines.

GWB: Congress has some unfinished business on the issue of taxes. The tax reductions you passed are set to expire. Unless you act, the unfair tax on marriage will go back up. Unless you act, millions of families will be charged 300 dollars more in Federal taxes for every child. Unless you act, small businesses will pay higher taxes. Unless you act, the death tax will eventually come back to life. Unless you act, Americans face a tax increase. What the Congress has given, the Congress should not take away: For the sake of job growth, the tax cuts you passed should be permanent.

BC: Unless you act the ultra-wealthy will actually have to pay taxes on the interest they accrue each year from the mountains of moolah they have begotten from squeezing the life out of working people.

GWB:Our agenda for jobs and growth must help small business owners and employees with relief from needless Federal regulation, and protect them from junk and frivolous lawsuits.

BC: Yes, let's return to the god old days when the local water supply was downstream from the tannery. But remember, we must keep frivolous lawsuits protected when they are used to fiscally eviscerate progressive organizations.

GWB:Consumers and businesses need reliable supplies of energy to make our economy run -- so I urge you to pass legislation to modernize our electricity system, promote conservation, and make America less dependent on foreign sources of energy.

BC: That is why tonight I propose to name Iraq the 51st state. Oh wait, that's for next year's speech.

GWB: My Administration is promoting free and fair trade, to open up new markets for America's entrepreneurs, and manufacturers, and farmers, and to create jobs for America's workers.

BC: Working in locked-down Walmarts stocking shelves with goods made by virtual slave laborers for 12¢ an hour in China.

GWB: Younger workers should have the opportunity to build a nest egg by saving part of their Social Security taxes in a personal retirement account. We should make the Social Security system a source of ownership for the American people.

BC: Ahh, here we go. That Social Security fund is much too big to resist for Bush's flimflam artists .

GWB: And we should limit the burden of government on this economy by acting as good stewards of taxpayer dollars.

BC: Biblical lingo from a man who is much more the legitimate head of the Religious Right than of the American government.

GWB: In two weeks, I will send you a budget that funds the war, protects the homeland, and meets important domestic needs, while limiting the growth in discretionary spending to less than four percent.

BC: In very particular order!

GWB: This will require that Congress focus on priorities, cut wasteful spending, and be wise with the people's money. By doing so, we can cut the deficit in half over the next five years.

BC: Ah yes, that "be wise with people's money" edict should be all that it takes to stop your bullet train of deficit spending from hurtling us into fiscal calamity. You came up with that one just in time!

GWB: Tonight I also ask you to reform our immigration laws, so they reflect our values and benefit our economy. I propose a new temporary worker program to match willing foreign workers with willing employers, when no Americans can be found to fill the job.

BC: We will need slaves for the galley ships or all those drummers will be out of work!

GWB: This reform will be good for our economy -- because employers will find needed workers in an honest and orderly system.

BC: Yes, it's time we made it legal to exploit immigrant labor.

GWB: A temporary worker program will help protect our homeland -- allowing border patrol and law enforcement to focus on true threats to our national security. I oppose amnesty, because it would encourage further illegal immigration, and unfairly reward those who break our laws. My temporary worker program will preserve the citizenship path for those who respect the law, while bringing millions of hardworking men and women out from the shadows of American life.

BC: And clear up a lot of embarrassing tax problems concerning the help around the mansion!

GWB: Our Nation's health care system, like our economy, is also in a time of change. Amazing medical technologies are improving and saving lives. This dramatic progress has brought its own challenge, in the rising costs of medical care and health insurance. Members of Congress, we must work together to help control those costs and extend the benefits of modern medicine throughout our country.

In word always and in deed never.

GWB: Meeting these goals requires bipartisan effort -- and two months ago, you showed the way. By strengthening Medicare and adding a prescription drug benefit, you kept a basic commitment to our seniors: You are giving them the modern medicine they deserve.

BC: Even though those increased bills for life-sustaining medication are a bitter pill to swallow for impoverished elderly Americans.

GWB: Starting this year, under the law you passed, seniors can choose to receive a drug discount card, saving them 10 to 25 percent off the retail price of most prescription drugs -- and millions of low-income seniors can get an additional 600 dollars to buy medicine.

BC: The Columbia Record Club offers a better deal than this scam.

GWB: Beginning next year, seniors will have new coverage for preventive screenings against diabetes and heart disease, and seniors just entering Medicare can receive wellness exams.

BC: They can receive them but we will make them jump through so many hoops that many will just break their hips and die before reaching eligibility.

GWB: In January of 2006, seniors can get prescription drug coverage under Medicare. For a monthly premium of about 35 dollars, most seniors who do not have that coverage today can expect to see their drug bills cut roughly in half.

While the taxpayer pays the full list price for pharmaceuticals that cost a fraction as much in the rest of the world.

GWB: Under this reform, senior citizens will be able to keep their Medicare just as it is, or they can choose a Medicare plan that fits them best -- just as you, as Members of Congress, can choose an insurance plan that meets your needs. And starting this year, millions of Americans will be able to save money tax-free for their medical expenses, in a health savings account.

BC: We need single- payer national health care, not a this Three Card Monte scam of a plan.

GWB: I signed this measure proudly, and any attempt to limit the choices of our seniors, or to take away their prescription drug coverage under Medicare, will meet my veto.

BC: As will any real plan that uses the vast bargaining power of the federal government to get fairer prices for all while reducing obscene and immoral profiteering by the insurance, medical and pharmaceutical special interests.

GWB:On the critical issue of health care, our goal is to ensure that Americans can choose and afford private health care coverage that best fits their individual needs. To make insurance more affordable, Congress must act to address rapidly rising health care costs. Small businesses should be able to band together and negotiate for lower insurance rates, so they can cover more workers with health insurance -- I urge you to pass Association Health Plans. I ask you to give lower-income Americans a refundable tax credit that would allow millions to buy their own basic health insurance. By computerizing health records, we can avoid dangerous medical mistakes, reduce costs, and improve care.

BC: But mostly it will make it easier for insurance scum to pull up records and employ the "pre-existing condition" alibi to justify the denial of vital treatments.

GWB:To protect the doctor-patient relationship, and keep good doctors doing good work, we must eliminate wasteful and frivolous medical lawsuits. And tonight I propose that individuals who buy catastrophic health care coverage, as part of our new health savings accounts, be allowed to deduct 100 percent of the premiums from their taxes.

BC: Yes, let's help out that poor AMA. But if union nurses are getting screwed over while doing the vast amount of the grimmest work in the health care field, we will put the full might of the Oval Office behind busting those unions.

GWB:A government-run health care system is the wrong prescription.

BC: A lameass spewer of bad metaphors is a crappy leader.

GWB: By keeping costs under control, expanding access, and helping more Americans afford coverage, we will preserve the system of private medicine that makes America's health care the best in the world.

BC: And preserve the system that has made health care inaccessible to 43 million Americans and next to useless to millions more whose health plans charge more and more money for less and less service.

GWB: We are living in a time of great change -- in our world, in our economy, and in science and medicine. Yet some things endure -- courage and compassion, reverence and integrity, respect for differences of faith and race. The values we try to live by never change. And they are instilled in us by fundamental institutions, such as families, and schools, and religious congregations. These institutions -- the unseen pillars of civilization -- must remain strong in America, and we will defend them.

BC: Psst, sneak Pickering in while I have them distracted with this hogwash!

GWB: We must stand with our families to help them raise healthy, responsible children. And when it comes to helping children make right choices, there is work for all of us to do.

BC: There is going to be a severe platitude shortage when this speech ends.

GWB: One of the worst decisions our children can make is to gamble their lives and futures on drugs.

BC: Yes but it is understandable when kids have parents like you or your cruddy bro in Florida.

GWB: Our government is helping parents confront this problem, with aggressive education, treatment, and law enforcement. Drug use in high school has declined by 11 percent over the past two years.

BC: Whaddya bet high school enrollment has declined twelve percent?

GWB: Four hundred thousand fewer young people are using illegal drugs than in the year 2001.

BC: Like Rush Limbaugh, they have switched to prescription buzzes.

GWB: In my budget, I have proposed new funding to continue our aggressive, community-based strategy to reduce demand for illegal drugs. Drug testing in our schools has proven to be an effective part of this effort. So tonight I propose an additional 23 million dollars for schools that want to use drug testing as a tool to save children's lives. The aim here is not to punish children, but to send them this message: We love you, and we don't want to lose you.

And next we will tattoo the kids so they have a constant reminder of our love.

GWB:To help children make right choices, they need good examples.

BC: We plan to set one in November by running an abject hypocrite from office.

GWB: Athletics play such an important role in our society, but, unfortunately, some in professional sports are not setting much of an example. The use of performance-enhancing drugs like steroids in baseball, football, and other sports is dangerous, and it sends the wrong message -- that there are shortcuts to accomplishment, and that performance is more important than character. So tonight I call on team owners, union representatives, coaches, and players to take the lead, to send the right signal, to get tough, and to get rid of steroids now.

BC: How about expanding this to an area that really matters -- police departments? They are full of 'roid-raging lunatics.

GWB: To encourage right choices, we must be willing to confront the dangers young people face -- even when they are difficult to talk about. Each year, about three million teenagers contract sexually transmitted diseases that can harm them, or kill them, or prevent them from ever becoming parents. In my budget, I propose a grassroots campaign to help inform families about these medical risks. We will double Federal funding for abstinence programs, so schools can teach this fact of life: Abstinence for young people is the only certain way to avoid sexually transmitted diseases. Decisions children make now can affect their health and character for the rest of their lives. All of us -- parents, schools, government -- must work together to counter the negative influence of the culture, and to send the right messages to our children.

BC: Repressive Religious Right Agenda goal number one. Sex is dirty, dirty, dirty and bad, unless of course it is inflicted upon a child by a leader of a bible study group.

GWB: A strong America must also value the institution of marriage. I believe we should respect individuals as we take a principled stand for one of the most fundamental, enduring institutions of our civilization. Congress has already taken a stand on this issue by passing the Defense of Marriage Act, signed in 1996 by President Clinton. That statute protects marriage under Federal law as the union of a man and a woman, and declares that one state may not redefine marriage for other states. Activist judges, however, have begun redefining marriage by court order, without regard for the will of the people and their elected representatives. On an issue of such great consequence, the people's voice must be heard. If judges insist on forcing their arbitrary will upon the people, the only alternative left to the people would be the constitutional process. Our Nation must defend the sanctity of marriage.

BC: Our nation must run thinly-veiled homophobic twits like you from power. We have had marriage for thousands of years without devoting a branch of government to it. Shut up and go away, you creepy little man.

GWB: The outcome of this debate is important -- and so is the way we conduct it. The same moral tradition that defines marriage also teaches that each individual has dignity and value in God's sight.

BC: They are clinging to this hollow remark for dear life in the Log Cabin Club.

GWB: It is also important to strengthen our communities by unleashing the compassion of America's religious institutions.

BC: Unleashing compassion? Only if it's not frothing!

GWB: Religious charities of every creed are doing some of the most vital work in our country -- mentoring children, feeding the hungry, taking the hand of the lonely. Yet government has often denied social service grants and contracts to these groups, just because they have a cross or Star of David or crescent on the wall. By Executive Order, I have opened billions of dollars in grant money to competition that includes faith-based charities. Tonight I ask you to codify this into law, so people of faith can know that the law will never discriminate against them again.

BC: This is about as un-American as it gets. We will never again have the separation of church and state unless this man is run from stolen office. All people of good faith need to get out and register voters who must then soundly defeat George W. Bush or this dangerous agenda will grow until church and state are fully integrated.

GWB: In the past, we have worked together to bring mentors to the children of prisoners, and provide treatment for the addicted, and help for the homeless. Tonight I ask you to consider another group of Americans in need of help. This year, some 600,000 inmates will be released from prison back into society. We know from long experience that if they can't find work, or a home, or help, they are much more likely to commit more crimes and return to prison. So tonight, I propose a four-year, 300 million dollar Prisoner Re-Entry Initiative to expand job training and placement services, to provide transitional housing, and to help newly released prisoners get mentoring, including from faith-based groups. America is the land of the second chance -- and when the gates of the prison open, the path ahead should lead to a better life.

BC: One guy from Enron goes to jail and suddenly Bush wants to help prisoners.

GWB: For all Americans, the last three years have brought tests we did not ask for, and achievements shared by all. By our actions, we have shown what kind of Nation we are. In grief, we found the grace to go on. In challenge, we rediscovered the courage and daring of a free people. In victory, we have shown the noble aims and good heart of America. And having come this far, we sense that we live in a time set apart.

BC: Oh it's set apart, that's for sure. We probably will need to quarantine it before you are through.

GWB: I have been a witness to the character of the American people, who have shown calm in times of danger, compassion for one another, and toughness for the long haul. All of us have been partners in a great enterprise. And even some of the youngest understand that we are living in historic times. Last month a girl in Lincoln, Rhode Island, sent me a letter. It began, "Dear George W. Bush." "If there is anything you know, I Ashley Pearson age 10 can do to help anyone, please send me a letter and tell me what I can do to save our country." She added this P.S.: "If you can send a letter to the troops -- please put, 'Ashley Pearson believes in you.'"

Tonight, Ashley, your message to our troops has just been conveyed. And yes, you have some duties yourself. Study hard in school, listen to your mom and dad, help someone in need, and when you and your friends see a man or woman in uniform, say "thank you." And while you do your part, all of us here in this great chamber will do our best to keep you and the rest of America safe and free.

BC: If Father Knows Best had been this hokey, it wouldn't have lasted one season. If you care about the troops, bring them home, tend to their emotional and physical wounds and provide them with genuine opportunities. If you don't do that, and you won't, then you don't really care about them. And you don't and never did, Mr. Court-appointed President.

GWB: My fellow citizens, we now move forward, with confidence and faith. Our Nation is strong and steadfast. The cause we serve is right, because it is the cause of all mankind. The momentum of freedom in our world is unmistakable -- and it is not carried forward by our power alone. We can trust in that greater power Who guides the unfolding of the years. And in all that is to come, we can know that His purposes are just and true.

May God bless the United States of America. Thank you.

BC: My God bless the United States of America by making this your final State of the Union address.

Tuesday, December 30, 2003

CrimQuips 12/30/03

Commentary by Barry Crimmins


Former New Jersey Republican Governor Thomas Kean, the chairman of the so-called Independent Inquiry Into 9/11, says that had available intelligence information been properly utilized, the 2001 terror attacks were preventable. If he thinks pre-9/11 intelligence was poorly utilized, he should consider how little intelligence we have used since then.

Besides, had 9-11 been avoided there'd have been even fewer phony reasons for attacking Iraq.

In fairness, it should be remembered that the court-appointed Bush administration had the blueprint for needless war with Iraq in place long before 9/11. So let's be careful about pointing fingers!

In fact the blueprint for needless war with Iraq was in place even before the Bushists drew up plans for stealing the 2000 election. Talk about preparedness!

Back-peddling from the implications of his remarks, Kean said, "We're going to avoid a rush to judgment." Rough translation: Hey, I'm a good Republican. Rest assured I'll do all I can to keep the details from leaking before November 2004.

A certain radio commentator called Kean and privately pleaded for him to stop using the words "rush" and "judgment" in the same sentence.

It's official! The "Freedom Tower" will fill the physical void left behind by the destroyed World Trade Center structures. It is named in memory of all the civil liberties that have been assassinated by the court-appointed Bush administration since 9/11.

The Freedom Tower will be 1,776 feet tall, including plenty of residential space because people just love to move their families to the sites of horrific tragedies.

The pricing will be unique for skyscrapers: the higher the floor, the lower the rent.

Finally, some affordable housing in Manhattan!

Instead of a posh restaurant on the top floor, there'll be a Burger King.

The Muzak on the elevators will only play songs by Toby Keith, Hank Williams Jr. and Lee Greenwood.

After 100 or so stories of "I'm Proud to be an American,"you'll be ready to face anything.

And you thought the Target Center was in Minneapolis.

You have to hope that the obviously hurting Saddam Hussein has not been prescribed Oxycontin by the military medicos. The painkiller, known to cause deluded, nonstop yammering in fascists, would render any interrogation of Hussein useless.

Reports that Kurds actually captured and drugged Saddam Hussein, leaving him as a sitting duck/spider for American troops have been well-reported internationally but have been scarcer than decent motives in the new Medicare bill in the US corporate media.

Apparently, Saddam's capture was nothing more than the result of a "canned hunt" on a Kurdish game farm.

Canned hunts are how all those manly Texas "sportsmen" bag tigers in Amarillo or El Paso. The creatures live in a fenced in compound, hand-fed by humans from infancy until one day Bungalow Bubba pulls up in his SUV and serves the unsuspecting kitty a double-barrelled lunch.

This time the intrepid Texans came back with the head of a genuine eight-point freedom hater.

Considering all the years the US hand-fed Saddam, it really is kind of embarrassing that he ended up on a Kurdish canned hunt compound.

Capturing the former despot in no way evened the 9-11 score -- conspiracy freaks have made more plausible links between the White House and those hateful attacks than Bush ever made between Hussein and the al Qaeda killers.

Does anyone actually believe that only a million or so dollars was seized along with Saddam? In all likelihood there's already several lawn and leaf sized diplomatic pouches labeled: Karl Rove -- White House-- Deliver Before November 2004.

Somewhere Osama bin Laden may already be sitting in a spider hole that's also labeled: Karl Rove -- White House-- Deliver Before November 2004.

A Saddam Hussein trial would establish an uncomfortable precedent for all of the uncharged prisoners the US is holding in Guantanamo. And how about all the Middle Easterners who've been rounded up in INS sweeps? Don't they deserve as fair a shake as that received by a known mass murderer?

The USA: We always get our dictator --sometimes from spider holes, sometimes from Supreme Court rulings.

We can breathe a sigh of relief now that the selection of our national CEO will no longer hinge on a game of hide and seek with a homeless ex-dictator. It will pivot on larger issues, like terrorist-baiting, gay-bashing (anything for the cause, eh, Karl?) and fear-mongering.

Look at the bright side -- if the war miraculously ends and all the soldiers come home, the court-appointed Bush administration's goal of full unemployment will be easily reached.

The troops best bring back plenty of Iraqi crude because when the "jobless recovery" combines with hand over fist deficit spending and unconscionable tax cuts for the wealthy, it will be tough to keep up with the demand for all the oil required to grease America's economic skids.

In retrospect, W's photo-op with a plastic turkey during his layover in Baghdad on Thanksgiving wasn't much of a surprise. Birds of a feather...

Considering the disproportionate amount of precious water that's diverted for the nutritionally inefficient crop of cattle, this mad cow outbreak puts the West's suspect agricultural priorities even further up the river.

This could be a good sign-- first the cows get mad -- then the people.

Historical Note: When first warned about the likelihood of a mad cow disease outbreak, W plunged his head into the exact same hill of sand Ronald Reagan used when he was first cautioned about AIDS.

Carnage Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has suggested that the US act quickly in the aftermath of the deadly Iranian earthquake and finish the job nature began by leveling any buildings left standing by the tumbler.

What do you bet W's investigation into Halliburton's gas price-gouging in Iraq will identify the failure to open the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve to oil drilling as the real culprit?

Of course the domestic media would break the real story of Saddam's capture if only it wouldn't distract us from the Code Orange Terror Warning, which was put in place to distract us from the truth about Saddam's canned capture in the first place.

Considering how screwing up New Year celebrations with color-coded alarmism has become an annual event perhaps Tom Rigid should become the permanent co-host of Dick Clark's Rocking New Year's Eve!

The way the court-appointed Bush Administration sees it, when it comes to the facts concerning the Iraqi Quagmire: Repression is the better part of valor.

POX Americana, my 2004 Year in Review piece, came out in the Boston Phonix on Christmas Eve, a news night so overlooked that it's generally reserved for Republican legislative initiatives. If you saw it and liked it please send it along to others and to websites that reprint progressive columns. Thanks. BC


Monday, December 01, 2003

CrimQuips 11/30/03

Commentary by Barry Crimmins


I am extremely busy writing the year in review and working on some revisions of my upcoming book so quips will remain scarce for the balance of the year. --BC

Happy 168th Birthday Samuel Langhorne Clemens.


When did Ed McMahon and Dick Clark become the executive producers of Bush's personal appearance schedule?

What's Bush do next? Play a wacky trick on celebrity governor Arnold Shckelgroper?

"Look at yourself captured on our secret cameras, Arnold, you really thought she was going to press charges, didn't you?"

"Ya, W gott me goot dat time!"

The methods employed on Bush's Baghdad trip were nothing new for him -- he's been flying with the lights out for years.

Besides, vampires always operate under the cover of darkness.

Rumor has it that the landing gear for Bush's plane included training wheels.

How in hell did they get an aircraft carrier into Baghdad is the real question.


Bush didn't visit Iraq so much as have a layover there.

It would be like you or I making a connection at O'Hare and then bragging about how we really got a chance to know Chicago.

"And here's a picture of me with the skycaps who are synonymous with the Windy City."

"Wow! Chicago is just full of duty-free shops and there are news kiosks everywhere!"

"Many of the older natives travel by golf cart."


The biggest danger of a daylight mission for Bush would have been that he'd have seen for himself that there are no weapons of mass destruction.

Considering her visits to Afghanistan and Iraq (not layovers, mind you, but actual visits!) Hillary Clinton is Audie Murphy compared to Bush.

If Bush were so damned heroic, he'd have visited a field hospital.

But then, if Bush were heroic, there'd be no need for field hospitals.

The court-appointed prez has inspired many young Americans to emulate his courageous act. Armed services recruiting offices have been flooded with volunteers to take deluxe, catered, private flights to Iraq that: arrive under the cover of night, take part in ceremonies in their honor and then get the hell out before dawn.

Next year Bush plans to make a truly daredevil mission-- he's going to return to Iraq while daylight savings is in effect.

Bush's jet to Baghdad is quickly becoming a led balloon.

The footage of W's airport visit provides the US with some propaganda to counter all of those Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein tapes that keep turning up on Al Jazeera.

The average National Guardsman/woman stationed in Iraq spends more time waiting in line to use a pay phone than Bush spent in-country.

If traveling in the dark makes you a hero then millions of Iraqis have been heroes for most of the time since last March.

Whenever Bush makes one of these stunt appearances he has but one steadfast companion by his side: the hokey stench of Karl Rove.

A big sign that hangs in Rove's office says: MISSION ACCOMPLICE

How many non-photo-op soldiers ended up pulling mysterious Thanksgiving duty because of the increased security demands of W's visit? I bet they sure had a special holiday.

Of course the airport troops were happy to see Bush. They knew so long as he was there they were in the one safe spot in Baghdad.

I flew to Madison, Wisconsin last month and ran into more than 600 troops -- and that was just at the security checkpoints.

When they smuggled that heinous medicare bill past us under cover of night, Rove decided that Bush's touch and go visit to Baghdad just might work.

With all the traveling he's done lately, W is really piling up the frequent liar miles.

Bush hasn't done anything this glorious since he helped take San Diego last May.

"Psst.... Hail the conquering hero. Pass it on."

Nobody has full-time work anymore, not even wartime soldiers. Consider all the National Guard units involved in the Iraqi Quagmire. The American military has gone from Kelly's Rangers to Kelly Girls.

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